Turning Into The Machine

The Process is in Command

Mark Brown

November 30, 2022

I have changed a bit in personality over the last 12 weeks. It is in large part due to circumstances at work. When I think about it a little harder, I can see that it’s not a sudden change but a slight shift. This change has a few different reasons at the core of it. I think it’s worth writing about and exploring under the premise is might shine some light for others feeling the change with concern. I am not bothered by the shift in my personality but I do find it fascinating. Living alone after buying a house in 2016 definitely has had the long term effect of adapting to being myself to the point that 2020 really wasn’t doing anything to me that I hadn’t felt before. I am fully aware that I have cared less about my interpersonal bonding needs by the day. Today’s essay is is both an exploration of the personality switch I’ve noticed and how embracing the process can be a catalyst for it.

Telling this story could end up being a little difficult because of the various stages of the stages that made up the factors became important. I will try my best to keep it comprehensible over the space of a couple pages here. I noticed the current shift in my personality about 12 weeks ago. That was when I started regularly skipping lunch at work to ensure the operation of the area I work in runs smoothly. Skipping lunch became a necessary action to take to keep everything clear because the company I work for decided we didn’t need the additional hand. I thought the increase in aggressive tendencies and lack of patience with the world around me was a consequence of my not eating lunch. I am very aware of the how hunger can effect mood. I felt like a shark at work. Predatory, territorial, aggressive, and always needing to move. The “food,” for lack of a better term in this allegory, is the work that needed done. None of this lack of eating during the day effected my lifting sessions much, which learning that was a consequence of this course of action. I found that the lack of food intake effected heavy single lifts rather than my normal volume centric lifting. The shark-like tendencies have stayed since I have become aware of them and are fairly set in by now. I feel that focus, and that’s what I am after.

About 12 weeks ago coincides with when a seasonal employee went back to school. That meant I needed to maintain the structure of the plan I have at work to get it done, regardless of the consequences of it. I wouldn’t ask anyone to do anything that I myself am not willing to do so I took it upon myself to make the necessary sacrifices. Without going into detail, the plan I operate with ensures that everything that requires covering over breaks and lunches is dealt with. If that doesn’t get done, everything descends into chaos and back up very quickly. It’s just the nature of what I do. There is no winning the game. There is merely finding ways to not lose by 1000 points every day. It’s a flexible plan than moves with changes in both situations and circumstances. This is very hard task to accomplish for the vast majority of the year. With a 4th person in the area I work, it gives me a chance to eat more than a snack while maintaining a decent balance in the chaos-back up spectrum. When they aren’t there, it’s not possible. I figured this plan out 3-4 years ago and it has served very well. There are days, mostly in the spring, summer and fall that just suck regardless of how well any plan is working because of sheer volume.

It’s through learning the finer points of strategy in regard to operations that understanding the process by which it is is done happens. In this way, learning how to program for strength training wasn’t any different. The main difference is that the latter involves a lot more in my control than the latter. I can’t emphasize that enough. It is ultimately what made me understand that the process is in command, not the people who are making decisions. I understand the people reading this statement with absolute bewilderment. Decision making is one of the facets of life that intrigue me the most so when they realization hit fully about 4-6 weeks ago, it was met with a semi-depressed “damn.” Then I got over it, and just accepted that there are circumstances that I need to take as they are and adjust to them. That’s when the machine started taking over and squeezing out the emotional shark energy that had created all that aggression building up in me. Following what is most logical is ultimately what needs to be done. One of the consequences to that is that all emotions get subjugated to the process. Some see it as a loss of humanity but success has always had a price.

The focus on strength training as my primary source of activity outside of work has definitely had a hand in the machine taking hold over the last 5-6 weeks. The discipline I have developed since 2020 along with the aggressively volume centric raw strength growth plan I have lifted with since summer of 2021 has combined to create a siege mentality in me. Grinding and doing every planned session without hesitation is what is necessary to make progress. That’s just the truth. Lifters who go harder on their lifting sessions can take more off days to recover than those who don’t as hard. That, of course, requires a physical, mental, and emotional build up to handle as if it’s a natural state of being. Some people never get there because subjugating emotional wellness to physical improvement just isn’t in everybody. This is what every professional bodybuilder I have ever listened to has said they do when it comes to prep for shows. They are emotionally and mentally miserable with no energy but look like the peak of physical health. If one can’t deal with that, then they can’t handle being a bodybuilder. While the inner machine I have developed isn’t to that level, it’s not that far off.

The strong discipline for lifting also ensures that any lingering negative emotions get taken care of. Perhaps that’s just the hormones getting back in balance physiologically. In any event, the lack of lingering negative emotions allows for them to cycle through at a healthy rate. It’s when they stick around for days and weeks on end that cascading runaway effects start to show themselves. It’s one of the primary reasons why exercise, in general, is promoted by health professionals. There is a definite point when the emotional balance stops becoming one of the things someone actively realizes when they start exercising. It’s usually when someone decides to push a desire to get to the next level of whatever they are doing that the emotional balance starts to become something less concerned about. That balance will be thrown off because of a greater understanding of the process that makes the progress towards the goal. The process is mean and definitely doesn’t fuck around. It doesn’t care about anyone’s emotional state, other activities, relationships, or dwindling resources. I’ve heard drugs and addiction described the same way. All 3 are totally accurate statements. How much someone protects oneself from the effects the process can bring to them is 100% completely up to the individual. Let’s face it, though, if someone doesn’t want to get burned, they are best off not standing by the fire. Risk is always part of improvement.

The process is an interesting animal because an accurate metaphor for it is a tiger that can change its stripes or a leopard that can change its spots. The process may seem like it’s in one lane but the last 2 years of learning how to program has taught me that the process drives in whatever damned lane it wants to regardless of traffic, to borrow a different analogy. Logically, a person just picks the goal, the process reveals itself and the person then responds to all the circumstances in the ways that are demanded until the goal is hit. There is room for committing to ideals and fundamental truth. Those are the things that helps keep the person in control enough to deal with unforeseen circumstances. They are also the things that will interfere with progress towards an elevated goal. Remember, one’s greatest strength is also their greatest weakness because the former creates blind spots for the latter to get effected by. Dealing with events outside of one’s control is part of life, after all. Everybody’s decision making throws out ripple effects, like a stone that falls or is thrown into a pond. People just feel less effect the further one is from the impact they are. The process is effected by even the smallest of ripples.

Perhaps the most fascinating part of this discussion of the process is the way it has become far more prevalent throughout sports, general athletic and even work cultures. It’s something that was just understood to be there naturally. Over the space of my adult life, the process of how to get something accomplished has become “The Process” as if it needed its own identity. I literally just described what its personality is like it’s a corporeal being. It never had a name before with adjectives to describe it, only a list of steps. I remember when the process became “The Process” very well. Nick Saban took over the Alabama football program in 2007 and brought it back to being the juggernaut it was from the 1960s to the early 90s. How did it do it? Free protein bars for the person who said “The Process” in the back of the room. Since then assistant coaches have taken what they learned while at Alabama to programs they now lead. Saban and his former assistants have given quotes at open media sessions, both at proper pre-season media days and post-game media conferences, that actively describe “The Process” in ways it just wasn’t spoken of before. Success and “The Process” have become irrevocably linked forever.

I wouldn’t argue with someone who wanted to say that the success enjoyed by Saban, Jimbo Fisher, Kirby Smart, and other former assistants is the reason why the term has been enveloped into the various cultures the way it has. It’s a perfectly valid argument. It mythologizes the value of this process over others, which is equally as valid. Success on the level of what Saban has created at Alabama, especially the 6 national titles since 2007 and multiple appearances on the losing side in title games, is what gives “The Process” a machine line external quality. The program’s repeat performances from athletes who seem to being able to fill the roles others had seamlessly is what is expected out of an actual machine. The fact they can do that with humans and it feels like a machine at work is proof that having a highly disciplined structure of total commitment to the goal is actually possible. Some humans need to see examples of success before they believe it’s actually possible. Plenty of college football teams have singular years of success that stand out. I’m from Iowa and been a life long Iowa Hawkeyes fan. The 2015 team feels like it was a team touched by magic, not by a machine. As a result, it elicits a different response even if isn’t all that different.

To steer this essay back to where this started, the ability to control most of the variables involved in strength training produces a mechanical feeling in the structure of a program. Yes, there is some level of enjoyment but ultimately that never matters much in the moment. What does is keep working at a controlled rate and work within the the structure of the plan. That doesn’t always mean stick to the plan all of the time. Sometimes doing extra sets when the body feels good, take some off when it feels too taxed or a different lift. It can mean a lot of things. What’s important is to maintain the structure of the plan in the moment. To do this, logic is the lifter’s best friend. Here, the mechanical nature of the process doubles down on someone without them even realizing it. They are training themselves to think mechanically, the way that machines are programmed to do so. Once the progress can be seen and felt, the mechanical thinking starts to become more ingrained in the thought process. Given enough time, this will lead to thoughts becoming instinct. That is what training is for, after all. Training does sound like an attempt to turn humans into human machines I admit. The amusing part of training is that no matter how well the body takes to the movements, the mental and intellectual side of the training gets hit far harder and deeper. A major part of that is putting aside emotions and listening purely to logic. That’s what machines do.

Since that structure of disciple is wired into me now because of the training, I am able to take it to work and deal with the mess I described earlier in this essay. I do have moments where frustration just hits and I emotionally lash out at essentially either the process or the decision makers. That usually happens in form or a juicy expletive filled tirade that gets dumber by the second. In the past, I’ve let such moment linger and fester for hours or even days. Now, a lot of the miscommunication and unplanned bullshit just elicits a laugh and an acceptance what needs to be done. I don’t care about the nature of the stupidity, how I am negatively effected by it, how others feel like they are being used, how I feel that I am being used, how decision makers don’t seemingly understand how to communicate their decisions, how much more money per hour I should be making or how much other people making. None of any of that matters when just getting the task done competently is the goal. Am I shortchanging my humanity just so I can do the job better for no real benefit? Absolutely, but none of that stuff matters when stuff just needs to get done. I have cared less about all of that stuff that only creates emotional baggage at a higher rate over the last 8-12 weeks. There are just parts of my humanity that I don’t care about. That’s dangerous territory because I know that leads to not caring about other’s humanity very easily. It centered primarily when I accepted the process as the true boss.

Focusing on task management over the last 12 or so weeks has led me to become far more mechanical in my thought process and embrace the process itself as the main driver of operations, not people. What was a response to a change in circumstance turned into a deeper training cycle than I realized would occur. By skipping lunch to serve the process better I have forced my body to work differently. I was so used to eating lunch 12 weeks ago and now lunch just doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve trained my body to get used to it and it has. I have felt more parts of my humanity fall off over the passing weeks, and it is slowly changing my personality. Once the the shark gave way to the machine, the only thing left has been to get what needed done accomplished without any undo emotion. Strength training has definitely played a big role in this transition because it primed me to be ready for it to happen without my really not noticing until after it happened. I’ve been following the process’s orders for damned near 2 years now. I just can’t see people as the ones who are in charge anymore. I don’t think I’ve lost too much of my humanity over the last 12 weeks, but the slight change in my personality over the last 12 weeks doesn’t bother me a bit. I am machine.